Friday, October 5, 2007

Curmudgeon's Club Offers Free Tarot Readings

Sample Reading: You are very stupid, a real dope and dumb ass! You can't read reports and believe every lie told to you. You also surround yourself with other dummies who give stupid advice. A positive point is that you are a very good liar even though you have difficulty putting together a simple sentence.

Woody the Clairvoyant of the Curmudgeon's Club has agreed to give a free sample simple one-card Tarot reading for just 666 Quatloos to cover shipping and handling. Make your request in the comment column and answer three simple questions:
1) Are you alive?
2) Are you human?
3) Are you really you?

Warning: Curmudgeons are very direct and candid and usually very insulting. Do not apply if you are a crybaby and can't take the verbal beating of truth. This product may contain bull shit.

It may take several years to see your reading in a future post, depending on the volume of traffic on the freeway to the office.


weirsdo said...

Clairvoyant my purple buttocks! I could have told him all that 7 years ago.

Woody said...

See how right I was, you old battle ax! I got it right and don't even know your husband.

Peter Piper said...

I want a reading to know if Lambkin is my baby or that git Axe Man's. And who is the hottest dancer at the Happy Wiener? I'm pretty sure it's me, but I just want to be positive.
Of course I am alive, I am a Satyr. So really, I'm better than alive, I'm a mythological creature. And who the hell else would I be? Give me my reading or I'll put a boom box playing Death Cheese songs outside your window tonight.

Dewey Banjer said...

Howdy Woody. This here's Dewey Banjer an' I want to know jest one thing. Is my man Arsewipe a-cheatin' on me? That ole Zack Crackajack done tole me that Arsewipe wuz a player an' I said yeah, he plays in a band, the Crappy Crew. Thing is, he gots this ole backup singer Lacey, this ole redhaired devil wench, an' maybe I'm jest supsicious an' jealous-like but somehow I don't think their relations is jest symbiotic or nothin'. I don't mind havin' a three way to spice things up a bit now an' then with someone like, say OJ Simpson or the Brown Pimpernel, but I think that ole Arsewipe gots himself some feelin's fer Lacey, or that he's bin a-feelin' her. Kin you tell me iffen I should stay with Arsewipe or iffen I should find another feller who wants ta squeal like a pig fer me. I shore do appreciate it! Thanks, Woody!

Mrs. Weirsdo said...

My husband is not an idiot.
And I didn't ASK for a reading.